Episode 406 - Welcome to The Crossroads

Toby Treacletart, the smartest thing alive (or dead)

Release Date: May 3, 2021
Recording Date:April 27, 2021
Episode Length: 1:15:43
Cast & Characters
Michael DiMauro:Dungeon Master
Tim Lanning:Toby Treacletart
Jennifer Cheek:Rowan Grey
Mike Bachmann:Skud Derringer
Nika Howard:Lahnik "Lahni" Caplain
Previous Episode: Next Episode:
Episode 405 - Great Galanthis Snack Off Episode 407 - The Tarrasque

Introducing your friends to your family can be really stressful! Especially when there is a looming kaiju like horror waiting for you. Will Rowan have the courage to face both her mom and dad while having an emotion!?

Story[edit | edit source]

Long Story[edit | edit source]

In the mythical, Elven plane of Galanthis, Toby Treacletart goes to the library. He uses his abilities as the "Nerd" class to find and learn the spell True Polymorph, and then reconvenes with the rest of the group. Currently, Rowan is asking her father, King Theonjon Dayne about his previous run in with the Tarrasque. Did you know that he was swallowed whole by it? That's awesome! That's how he got a huge scar on his elbow, due to the stomach acid! Gross! Also, River Grey, Rowan's mother, was swallowed as well, and they were able to fight their way out, doing enough damage to make is vomit them out! Very Gross! But wait! There's more! That was the night that Rowan was conceived. Super Ultra Mega Triple Gross!

Okay, well that all sounds pretty horrible. But how can they truly defeat it! Toby brings out the Sphere of Annihilation, despite my belief that it was back on the ship. Strangely, King Dayne doesn't know what that is, or what would happen if they hit the Tarrasque with it. He does know that magic will bounce off of its exterior, and that it's claws and tail can reach very far. It's huge and powerful and terrifying. In other words, a great addition to Skud's Bone Cards! Actually, that's a great idea. What if they try putting it in one of those? That's another unknown. Lahni asks if the thing can dig, and yes, it can. That puts the kibosh on her idea of burying the thing.

Well, lot of good ideas being thrown around, but all of this is moot if they don't have people to fight the damn thing. King Dayne is actually up for joining them, to finally finish the battle he started long ago, and Luccan decides to come along to! Adira Harper and Bercy Hamhands will also come, of course, although the latter isn't really the "fighting a Tarrasque" type. Skud wants to summon a demon or two to fight for him, so he whips out a card from his Deck of Many Things, and... It's the Moon Card! This allows him to cast Wish 2 times! Michael, the Gracious, allows him to "store" these Wish spells, for later use.

Everyone breaks for a while. Rowan finally gets to show everyone her old bunk beds, while the King goes to collect his old adventuring gear. Toby goes off by himself, and when everyone comes back together, they find something shocking. Hoby is no longer the tiny, Stitch-esque homunculus we've all come to know and love. He's now a 9 ft tall Pit Fiend with long orange hair, and "weird modeled skin"(?)! This is, apparently, a result of Toby's new True Polymorph spell. Seems the High Elves have a different version of that spell, which is a strange concept? Are spells different depending on the culture that uses it? Or the plane that they are on? This is a neat idea! Anyway, Hoby will be this way unless he gets himself into an anti-magic zone, or someone casts Despell Magic on him. Also, he can speak now! He shrinks down and looks like "Genie Jafar", which I don't fully understand.

So, the Tower of Grey, accompanied by King Theonjon Dayne, Luccan, Adira Harper, and Bercy Hamhands, all get teleported away, far far away to The Crossroads.

The Crossroads is a town, and a busy one at that. Adventurers (they are clearly all traveling adventurers) run all around, ready for battle. A large river lies beyond, separating Drunkeros from The Westerlands, and on that river is a huge water wheel, and a big bridge. Far to the north, along this river, is The Citadel of the Seven. Also, a massive inn sits nearby, named The Majestic Hog Inn, that looks the size of 10 normal taverns. By the door is your classic adventurer's notice board to pick up side quests and shit like that.

River Grey, Rowan's goddam mother, is the leader of the Crossroads, which has less of a "government", and more of a "guild". Run by River, of course. And all operations are run out of this tavern. It's where River's office is! Essentially, it's a large scale Tower of Grey, with River Grey at the head of it, like Rowan is for the Tower. This is all pretty embarrassing for Rowan, so why don't we just move along. She does so by strolling into the tavern and greeting the barkeep there, Big Rod. They're old friends, and Toby is giddy at the prospect of learning humiliating secrets about Rowan's past. She, however, keeps cutting him off. Finally, they learn that River is upstairs in her office. Up they head, where Rowan leads them, knocking on the door, but walking through at the same time. And there, we finally get to meet, Rowan's mother, River Grey!

She looks tough, and very similar to Rowan. Darker skin, freckles, hair cropped short. She's beefier than Rowan is, and slightly shorter, since she isn't half-elf like Rowan. Introductions are made, with Theonjon waiting timidely outside. When he does enter, River is rather indifferent to him. Luccan enters, and for the first time that we've seen, he's immediately respectful to her, calling her ma'am, and everything. This is huge!

Talk turns to this Tarrasque, and how to defeat it. River (I think it's River, there are a lot of NPCs running around right now) says that she will have Acid Resistant Potions made to prepare for getting swallowed. The episode ends, as all the best ones do, with shopping. Toby buys a Bag of Holding.

Short[edit | edit source]

Toby turns Hoby into a 9-ft tall Pit Fiend! Skud draws the Moon Card, and gets to bank 2 Wish spells! Rowan shows everyone her bunk beds! The party inquires about the Tarrasque they have to fight and then they, King Dayne, Luccan, Adira, and Bercy all teleport to The Crossroads. There, they finally meet Rowan's mother, River Grey. She's badass. They discuss the Tarrasque. It isn't going to be an easy fight. The episode ends with a shopping spree.

Trivia[edit | edit source]

  • Bachmann jokes that the Trevor Project donations were used to buy a Ford Focus. I drive a Ford Focus. So, that's funny
  • The Tower of Grey is a JoJo's Bizarre Adventure reference. Has been this whole time
  • The adventuring group that Theonjon and River Grey were a part of in the past, also included Bigby
  • It's been less than a week since the battle in The Abyss in Episode 400
  • The day after Calendar day is March 1st. March is the 8th month
  • Skud's Deck of Many Things has the Moon card, and Bachmann says he also has "the Skull card", but he goes on to describe the Donjon cards. That said, I am a fool, and don't know shit about shit, so I could be wrong. I'm gonna say he has the "Skull" card
  • The relationship between The Crossroads and Yahngar is that they are on opposite sides of the planet. So, hypothetically, one could dig straight down from one and get to the other.
  • Adira Harper and River Grey probably know each other, due to the Bigby connection. Or at least, they know of each other
  • Skud's dog Squelch has been with them the whole time...

In This Episode...[edit | edit source]

Cast and Player Characters[edit | edit source]

Non-Player Characters[edit | edit source]

Pets/Familiars[edit | edit source]

  • Hoby (this time played by Bachmann's new baby)

Locations[edit | edit source]

Inventory[edit | edit source]

Toby Rowan Skud Lahni Others General Inventory
Robe of Stars[241]
Broom of Flying[299]
Crystal Ball of Telepathy[299]
Sending Stone[353]
Dossier on a Warehouse Owner[356]
Diary/Letter opener of Silga Darvo[357]
Scroll of Teleportation {x2}[374]
Leather Helmet[379]
Doug the Astral Dreadnought[381]
Treasure Map on the back of a portrait of Burt Ballista[382]
Rare books {x3}[382]
The Arcane Grimoire, Tsugrix Zelentiri[387]
Alchemy Jug[387]
Scroll of Plane Shift[392]
Potion of Greater Healing {x2}[392]
[NEW] Bag of Holding
  • Arrows of Dragon Slaying {x4}[349]
Dancing Rapier[241]
Eyes of Charming[299]
Sending Stone[353]
Kevimp McBallister's groin shotgun[354]
Bag of Infinite Chicken Fingers[369]
Leather Helmet[379]
Rowan's Tattoo[387]
Scroll of Plane Shift[392]
Potion of Greater Healing {x2}[392]
Gold Bone Coin that lets him enter the Bones championship[255]
Heavy Armor, atop of his robe, adorned with fish[349]
Sending Stone[353]
Longsword of Wounding[354]
Water Badge[371]
Earth Badge(s)[378]
Air Badge[383]
Leather Helmet[379]
Deck of Many Things[387]
Scroll of Plane Shift[392]
Potion of Greater Healing {x2}[392]
Ferret Wine Ferret[253]
Bag of Beans[274]
Boots of Phasing[299]
A Longbow[349]
Sending Stone[353]
Leather Helmet[379]
The Caplain's Secret Ferret Pie/Cake Recipe[387]
The Caplain's Secret Ferret Pie/Cake Recipe[387]
Scroll of Plane Shift[392]
Potion of Greater Healing {x2}[392]
"Several" Potions of Fire Resistance[349]
Potions of Haste[349]
Dark Blade[352]
More Sending Stones, just in case[353]
Potions of Underwater Breathing[365]
Bag of Infinite Burgers[369]
Bag of Infinite Moscow Mules[369]
The BTS[380]

Quest Log Updates[edit | edit source]

Quotes[edit | edit source]

  • "What? You've said 2 things now, and I haven't understood either of them." ~ King Theonjon Dayne, to Toby
  • "Wait a second! Do they have Utahraptors here? THERE'S NO UTAH!!!" ~ Toby Treacletart
  • "Hi. I would like to give you a bite of sandwich and squirt my ferret in your mouth." ~ Lahni Caplain, making first impressions

Rolls[edit | edit source]

  • Recap
    • Jennifer - 4 - re-roll - Nat1 - Reverse Bapped
    • Tim - 4 - re-roll - 5
    • Nika - 3
    • Bachmann - 4 - re-roll - 19
      • Just for fun, the probability of 3 people all rolling the same number is 0.25%
        • It is not, as it turns out, 0.0125%, as one might expect. It would be if we were trying to find the chances of 3 people rolling a specific number. Like, a 1 or a 20. But for any random number, it's 0.25%. Statistics, yo.

  • Skud rolls to draw a card from his Deck of Many Things (1d12) - 11
    • It's the Moon card! He can cast Wish 1d3 times - 2
      • 2 times!

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